I used to hate you for giving me up. I couldn’t stand the thought and I couldn’t understand it. To this day I still don’t understand why you did it. Why didn’t you fight for me? Why didn’t you stay in the same state? Why move half way across the world?
You were in and out of my life. You had no desire to really get to know me. One memory I will always have was when you brought home a pizza with everything on it and anyone who even remotely knows me knows that I only eat cheese and pepperoni pizza. I think that’s the moment I felt you didn’t care about me. You only flew me a handful of times and once a year to see you during the summer for a week.
You only saw me for the important things in my life like my high school graduation and my first (what I thought would be my only) wedding. Even though I had to beg you to come and when you were there you were bashing me. You said all I wanted was your money. What money? The money that you never gave for the non existent child support? The money you never gave for hospital bills? Oh you mean the $100.00 you would send me on my birthday or Christmas? Yes that would completely make me want you for your money. I understand your point though. If I needed money I would call you. I mean that’s the only part of my life that you somewhat contributed to is when I asked for money and only when I was really down. It’s not like it was easy calling you and asking you. That felt like I was a failure and that I wasn’t making you proud of me. I lived on my own since I was sixteen. I am twenty five and my whole life you have maybe give me five thousand total (that’s probably exaggerating), I have seen you maybe ten times (I haven’t seen you since May 12th, 2012), your grandson has met you once when he was six months old (whom is now almost five years old) and your grand-daughter has never met you (whom is almost two years old).
I look at my children and I just don’t get it. I have called you crying and you then made promises that you never kept. I got tired of reaching out to you. I am tired of being the one always trying. You found out your third child really isn’t yours yet you make more of an effort to see him and have him in your life then your own blood daughter. My family (your side) has nothing to do with me including my grand parents. Am I that much a disappointment? Since you and mom were young? What did I do wrong? I ask myself these things everyday! I haven’t spoken to you since September of 2015. I used to do things to get your attention and therapy has taught me this. No matter how much therapy I do I have learned I will always ask myself these questions daily and I know I will never understand.
BUT I want to say thank you. Because of what you did I did gain an amazing father that took me in and raised me. Sure we had multiple rough patches. But while I was doing stupid things seeking your attention I caught his and he did more for me then anyone ever has and I have grown so close to him. It saddens me it took me so long to realize how lucky I really was.
So if you choose not to reach out to me and build a relationship that will be your loss. It will always be something that saddens me, that I will never understand and that will make me burst in tears randomly but I have tried and I know that. I know I can’t make you be or do something you don’t want to do or be.