In high school I was a size “00”; even then I struggled with my weight and how I felt about myself. Even when I was a size “00” I still was so self conscious. I never looked like what the media had portrayed what woman are supposed to look like. I was tiny and the media made it seem like woman needed to be curvy with a tiny waist, big butt and big boobs. I was fine the way I was but I never thought I was. Now looking back I think I was way too skinny!
My self esteem then got worse when I got into a relationship with someone who put me down and made me feel like I was exactly what I always had thought. He pointed out anytime that it looked like I had gained weight so I started eating less and less. He pointed out any flaw he saw in me so everyday I lost more and more confidence in myself. No matter what I did, changed or didn’t do it was never enough for him. I used to have long hair almost to the middle of my back…he pointed out that he liked short hair and hated long hair so I went and chopped off my hair and it was so so short. I had never had it that short before.
You hated the way I dressed so I completely changed my wardrobe. I even started driving the type of vehicle you preferred because I was tired of being put down for liking ford. I stopped listening to my favorite music because you thought it was stupid; I only listened to the music you liked. There was so much I changed about myself that I no longer recognized myself when I looked in the mirror. It was like I was watching myself but had no control of what I was doing. I felt powerless. I knew your world was too fast for me, I knew I should have gotten out but I felt so stuck. After I was finally strong enough to get out and end things I never thought I would love like I thought I loved you. The worse part was the first day without you, the first week, the first month…I didn’t know who I was or what I liked. I was trying to figure out who I was, the person who had been gone for so long, the real me.
I finally started getting back to the real me and who I should have been all along. Each day is still hard. My body has carried two beautiful babies, endured surgeries and much more. BUT, my body tells my story. For example, each stretch mark resembles my kids, the kids I carried and am proud of today. I am happier then I have ever been in my body. I am going to the gym five times a week to work on getting even happier only because I will be healthier. This photo below really speaks volumes and I hope it helps someone. Just know that even “skinny” girls are self conscious. Be happy in your own skin. Everyone is beautiful.
Your size doesn’t matter, your weight doesn’t matter. Sports Illustrated put a “plus size” model on the cover. I am not saying being overweight you should be happy or unhappy. You should be happy no matter how you look but also healthy. Trying to find the right words for this is hard. We all need to be healthy but all confident in our skin. I just want people to know that even when you think someone else is pretty or in no way struggles….they just might be. I was complimented all the time when I was younger and I did’t understand because I didn’t see what they saw.
Someone messaged me through the “contact” link on my blog today and shared her story with me and it really helped me. This girl I would have never looked at and thought would be self conscious either but she had and still has struggles.
Don’t ever let someone put you down, make you feel less or not beautiful.