I’ve written lots of letters. To my biological father, the father who raised me, my mother, my step mother, my sons future step mom but none to my children. So I will begin with you, my youngest and the most enthusiastic little girl.
I have been waiting for you since I was a little girl. I always pictured having a boy first then a girl second. You know so your brother could always protect his little sister. I would tote around my barbies and practice becoming a mommy. I dreamed of you. I pictured us being the best of friends. I pictured us always matching. I pictured you and your brother growing up really close and having that special bond. I hoped and prayed for us to have an unremarkable bond and special connection that I never had with my biological mother. I prayed we would have the perfect balance between being your mommy and being your best friend. I wanted to be the one you would share your dreams, fears, hopes, goals and secrets with knowing I wouldn’t be upset in anyway for whatever you had to say but listen to you. You would know I would give you the best advice because that is part of being your parent. I never want you to be scared to come to me over fear of what I might say.
I worry about you. You are unique and so beautiful. I worry about the tough times. I worry for the day you learn not everyone is on your side, not everyone is really your friend, and even the ones you think are your best friends can hurt you. I worry for your first heartbreak. I want to protect you from all this but instead I know I need to prepare you. I hope you will come to me. I hope I can teach you things that took me too long to learn. I hope I can teach you about forgiving, being patient, about perseverance and never stop running for your dreams.
In the same breathe, I hope you are nothing like me.
It’s not that I am a bad person or a bad mother. I have lived on my own since I was sixteen. My mother kept secrets from me. I struggled for a long time, too long, to find out who I was. I want you to be more confident then I was. I want you to know you have an enormous amount of love and support. I never want you to feel alone, it’s just you or that your in this life alone. You will always have me by your side. I will never leave you.
I hope the experiences you go through whether it be friendships, relationships etc. do not harden you or make you doubt yourself like I let mine do to me. Instead I hope you gain knowledge and learn the strength you have to get passed it. I see your strength every single day. It amazes me and you are still a little girl. My little girl.
I hope you stay true to who you are. I hope you don’t let others make you feel something is wrong with you for being different but instead embrace yourself for who you are.
I hope you never let someone tell you that you’re incapable of anything. I hope you never let someone tell you what you can or can’t do. I hope you never let someone try to control you. In the same, I hope you never let your emotions get the best of you. Instead take a moment to think and breathe. I hope you don’t let your emotions overcome the sweet person you are. Instead, I want you to stay grounded. You know what the right thing to do is, don’t let anyone make you doubt this. You are not a follower, you never have been. Stay true to yourself.
I hope you keep your heart open, you trust and don’t push people away like I did. Don’t let your fears keep you from anything. Don’t cling to things you know. Be brave. Explore everything in this world you have dreamed of.
Embrace your failures and see them as a way to grow and learn.
Embrace the little life lessons as well as the big ones.
I know you will find your way as I have finally found mine. I wish I could keep you from pain but I know it will shape you into the person God meant for you to become. Your purpose will easily become clear.
You may fall, you may hit some road blocks but you will get right back up as you’ve already done and you’re just a little girl. You will keep pushing and stay strong.
God has a purpose for you. As much as I want to help you through all of this and take the pain away I know this is your path set out by God. However, I will always be there for you. I pray that you won’t make the same mistakes I did. I pray I teach you enough to avoid those mistakes instead. I will always support you no matter what.
I never thought I would have you. Before your brother was born, I had always wanted a little girl but after having your brother I just felt I was going to be a boy mom! I loved my little boy and was actually hoping for another boy. Then the Sonogram Tech told me “It’s a Girl”, I honestly did not believe her. I went back four more times just to be sure. Each time the answer was the same and each time my heart would flutter. There are no words to describe the feeling in that moment. I am so blessed to have you now and forever.
Your heart is so big. You’re so beautiful. never loose sight of that.
1 Samuel 1:27 – James 1:17
xoxo – mommy